so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize