I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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