I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
