I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
