I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize