I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
