Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
