he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize