Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
