There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
