Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
