You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize