Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
