his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
