Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Randomize