Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
even my farts smell like vagina
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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