I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
