his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
