one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
