Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
