Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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