somebody snuck up and got me drunk
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
