He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
