You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
