i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
