I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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