I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
