I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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