3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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