my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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