well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
