I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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