so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
