If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize