Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm sobbing to NWA
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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