this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
