Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
