I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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