It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
