The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I enjoy the company of your penis
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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