two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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