i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
