I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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