The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize