you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
