you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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