i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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