Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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