I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
