I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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