there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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