so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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