you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
