Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
