I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
