Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
