I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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