I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
