mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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