I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Bring me that man meat
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
