You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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